I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
