I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
