I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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