I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Also, beer. Big fan.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
