dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
