I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
