i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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