everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
