Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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