I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
