I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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