Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
