My hand turned me down
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
