I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
