Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
