I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
