Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Sext me about skeletons
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
