I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
