Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I deserve this hangover.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
