just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
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No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
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