I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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