I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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