Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
