Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Randomize