Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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