i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
