So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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