you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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