My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
