I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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