I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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