Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
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Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
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Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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