his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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