God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
