Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
