I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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