I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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