At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
