I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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