remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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