i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
two words: eviction party
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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