when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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