we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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