Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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