A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Come on in and take your pants off
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