I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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