My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She announced her abortion via fbk
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
