so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
