I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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