I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
How does it feel to date your dad?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize