my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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