Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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