I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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