Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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