he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
