eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
