Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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